It was never even between our hands,
the skin we tried to keep was emphasized as a loss of mutual heat,
and in the moments you took to try with me, I was lost.
I can only see a devotion in my eyes that will forever seem undone,
for we were the mess of us; granular and heavy, we walked into the only disaster we knew.
I knew you as a beginning, I knew you unkind: as the middle ground we held onto too tightly to take.
I knew you to my gullible gut intentions, pulled tightly to our confusion
and to your confusion
Our pitstop conversations were cut precisely to the present. We both knew
it was ours for the pacing,
but I find I need you more than I can, with multitudes of my motions calling to the self you began
I simplify my actions to something I can take before you leave me, grasping onto the seconds you allow and
I mourn your hand in mine,
all tangled with thought.
We were a mess, cut up in our attempt to prepare for something we didn’t understand.
We were a mess to our want of what we knew was inevitably unfound.
I know the way these feelings work, they never get out of hand. Not when it’s you who tried to get the feeling back, who honestly felt something —
We had a moment in the wind.
We climbed those steps together,
we tried to keep our distance out of hand.
But in my eagerness to want you, there it crept between us
and our words, reflecting the timid motions of our minds.
Knowing your feelings changed, I lingered,
I stayed to the waves we looked to
when we watched the cadence of one another, remaining,
shivering, and still.
For we found us standing on the bridge deck, bracing the start of what we felt was somehow still more rare,
but the night clouded us in the gale that sang to guide us alone, in the songbirds that began us against what we decided to know.
A walk we took in the darkness changed how we foresaw the time we claim.
And there’s nothing I can do now to bring back the form we made of our memories.
There was no romance on the cold September ocean and the gale sang an awful song of us,
of what remained.
It feels distant now, with the stillness of the waves.
You feel distant now, and I can’t quite explain,
but I know
you will stay.
And I want you to stay;
please, tell me that’s okay.
January 19, 2019